Keep it Secret Keep it Safe: Beauties & Buttholes

Leave your dignity at the door
The conclusion of most of my dates…

The conclusion of most of my dates…

This should be the only thing shown in sex ed. 

This should be the only thing shown in sex ed. 

I’m not sure I need to add a damn thing to this totally wholesome kids game but I love that the one female is like snickering, hiding a shiv behind her back and thinking, “This dumb bitch is about to get shanked one way or another.” Anyway, most of my dinner parties end up looking exactly like this and I’m usually the one on all fours crying about my poor pussy…

I’m not sure I need to add a damn thing to this totally wholesome kids game but I love that the one female is like snickering, hiding a shiv behind her back and thinking, “This dumb bitch is about to get shanked one way or another.” Anyway, most of my dinner parties end up looking exactly like this and I’m usually the one on all fours crying about my poor pussy…

I came across this rare and wild slut in the mountains of Oregon

Strange Toofs Get me Hard.

I love teeth. I like snaggles, I like gaps, I like licking the teeth of the mouth I’m mouth-fucking. I will touch your toofs with my fingertips. I will make those toofs bite my fleshy thighs and leave snaggle marks for a week to come. I don’t mind perfect teeth but I prefer a little character in the holes I swap fluids with. 

The Redwood Chronicles AKA According to My Hungry Holes

I gots played for the first time in 28 years by the least likely suspect, doused unwittingly in polyamory and fell hard for the dirty talk of a witch priest. Welcome to the Redwoods! 

Shits gettin real freakay weird up in my world holes. 

I’ll be writing about my time off the grid in little titbits as the days go on….

Gushing Blood From My Cooz on a Five Hour Flight

I started gushing blood from my cooz on a five hour flight. I ask the attendant for a tampon and she says they/she don’t have any and to look inside the wall cabinet in the plane bathroom. I get in there open it and there are two ancient looking cardboard boxes that say sanitary napkins (gross, who the fuck uses pads anyway?) so i grab one and its soaking wet and moldy. It was like someone pissed into the cabinet in 1985 and let it marinade. wtf. 

Granddaughter: “Grandma, you’ve been blessed by God.”

Grandma: “I’ve been blessed by dick.”

I pray I have my priorities in line like this ol’ biddy when I turn 100

PS, Beauties and Buttholes turns one year old today. Sigh. My babys growin up.

(Source: youtube.com)

Major Lazer - Bubble Butt (feat. Bruno Mars, 2 Chainz, Tyga & Mystic) - Directed by Eric Wareheim

(Source: youtube.com)

'Nuff said.

'Nuff said.

Whats under that skirt, little girl?

Whats under that skirt, little girl?

(via japonski)